nursinmamaa's thoughts and ponderings

sad heartbreaking

2010-06-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

I know now, why it is I aspire to parent with love and gentleness, versus firmness and demands.
Our daughter is a teenager and we have baby number 5 on the way in a few weeks. So I get to see such vastness. It amazes me what I see.
Raechel and her boyfriend split up. What saddens me is he is still trying to get her back. That is not in itself a bad thing, but they way he shows love is. He is trying to get her back by buying her back. First the dozen gorgeous roses, she gave them to a neighbor, now I see an IPod Nano on the kitchen table. Brand-new in the box. I know these are not cheap. So, what I am really seeing? His parents only tried to buy his love. They did not give him the physical love that all kids need. They gave him things. They did not treat him with respect, because if they did, he would have treated our daughter with respect. Instead he was emotionally abusive to her. Why? Because it was all HE KNEW. That was how he was raised. You are what you live.
I truly hope I am doing ok with my boys. I don't want to see them go through that too. Part of me wants to just go hug the poor kid. Tell him it will be ok. But will it? I cannot make false promises. She won't have him back, and who can blame her? He threatened her, called her names, and was mean to her. But he also TRIED to show her love, by buying her anything she liked. Oh that is pretty? Here let me buy it for you....... Doesn't work that way. It is very sad.
So, love those babies, and when they are kids, love them up then too.
Will they remember why you scolded them? I remember being smacked because I threw up trying to clean the kitty litter box. I remember the pain, I remember feeling fear. That is what I remember. Did I finish cleaning the box? Who knows. Did it help that I was hit because I threw up. Nope.
Now, I remember spilling milk all over my Grandmas table and floor. Yes, she may have been frustrated, but did she hurt me or cause me pain? No. I don't even remember being scolded. I just helped her clean it up. She may not even remember this, but I do.
That is what I need to be - a loving, non-judgemental parent.
I would rather reek of love than reek of bad judgement.
What an eye opener today has been.

Feeling lost

2010-06-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

I thought pregnancy was supposed to be personal, but sadly mine has turned into what feels like at this time, a three ring circus. It is no longer private for me, and it makes me very sad.
As of tomorrow I will be on meds which is not too bad, but then I have to go weekly for the duration of my pregnancy for stress tests for the baby and a sonogram every 4 weeks.
It is just not ours anymore. I worry they are going to whisk him away right away when he is born and I won't be able to see him for ages like they did with the other two.
I am so disturbed by this.
I just want to have a healthy baby, hold him, nurse him, love him. All these interventions are awful.

What is beauty?

2010-06-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

What is beauty? what defines a beautiful person? Is it their appearance? Or is it something more? Can a women be beautiful while in labor at a very primal moment? I feel that there are two forms of beauty, beauty of the outer appearance, which can change with time, and inner beauty. For me inner beauty is so much more important. How a person cares for and loves others, how they care for their souls, how they care for the world around them. Not the gimmie world but the physical world. Yet, caring for your inner self must lead to caring for your outer self, right?

Raising boys to know the Great Mother

2010-06-05T07:02:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking alot about how to raise the boys to know our Great Mother. I found this great section of a book on-line somewhere. It talked a lot about how the mother makes such a huge influence in the children. So, I guess my thought is, I need to emulate Her in order for them to recognize Her in their lives.
So I need to stop more and think how would She want me to handle a situation. That includes Raechel as she is missing the point on many things.
I cannot say this is an easy choice, I have to really think before I act. But I think it is one that is worth while.

Sick kids can bring out the best of the worst.......

2010-05-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

Two of our little ones have been sick for several days now. It can tire a mother to the bone. I honestly can say I have not been the nicest person the last few days with minimal sleep. Last night was the peak for me. I could not deal with one of our children. I had to have Daddy go tuck him in. I was frazzled. I have really been working hard on our relationship, me and this little fellow. Yet yesterday I really was not good. Then I had a dream. Today is a new day and though I cannot take away what was said yesterday, I can make today a better day. And so I intend to do just that.
There is no yelling from me today. It just spirals out of control.
Today is a day of rest for us. A day when we can heal from the illness in the house and the wounds in our hearts.

Just the beginning.....

2010-05-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

I have never blogged before so bear with me........

There are so many wonderful things I want to share and this is where I am going to do it. I get lost with all the reading and learning and never know what to do with all the information that I have gathered besides use it in my own life. (Or try to as the case may be at times.) So I decided to share it here.

I homeschool my kiddos, we use the earthschooling curriculum loosely. I really enjoy being home with my kids. They learn so much. They also teach me things I never knew too.

I nurse until the child is ready to wean in most cases, although my second oldest boy lost out, as I had a hospital birth with his brother and when we came back home, he forgot how to nurse. He was really not ready to be done. I felt terrible. I plan on tandem nursing with the newest baby due this summer and my youngest boy currently.

Circumcision is a DIRTY word as far as I am concerned. That is something that won't happen to my boys with my consent. My boys are intact and I am an intactivist. Period. I hold no sway on this issue and can at times be forceful because my beliefs are very strong.

We co-sleep with our babies until they are ready to move up and out. After they move up and out of the bed they will sleep together in one room. My hubby very firmly believes that sharing a room will keep our boys close, and they are very close. They do squabble at times, but don't we all? But when they are in need of one another, boy are they there. I have never seen such protectiveness!

I believe in natural parenting. I try to communicate without yelling - though we are still working on this issue and there are times my voice will rise and I regret it later, but cannot beat myself up over it as I am still in a deep growing process.

With each of my pregnancies I have grown inward, this pregnancy has taken me so deep it at times feels frightening as I can feel so alone. Then I am glad I find other women like myself through on-line boards or publications, such as The Mother Magazine from the UK. What a GREAT resource!

I am currently using a hypnobabies program to go through my labor and delivery this time. I am also considered border line gestational diabetes with this pregnancy. Hence I have to go through the trials and tribulations of this as well.

I do hope that some wisdom can be gleaned from my writings here.